Partial Celibacy, Take Two
By Citronella on Monday, October 6 2008, 18:07 - Permalink
I have to admit, Joe Biden style, that this week went way better than the previous one.
"See, you're not unhappy", I told myself last Monday when I realized I was smiling while walking to work. I don't remember what I was smiling about anymore (it might have been Bill Maher's new rule that says "you can't become an expert in foreign policy by rubbing Henry Kissinger", though). And I am doing quite fine, even though I am more prone to sadness and discouragement than usual.
The week was a tiring one, what with the school year kicking in and various seminars and meetings coming back full force. I do feel quite senior, now, saying that I'm a fourth year PhD student, but I like the relaxed, no-nonsense feeling that comes with knowing the people, the place and the inner works of the daily life on campus. I grew rather sleep deprived as the week passed by. That's partly because I've had a hard time not falling asleep but staying asleep in the wee hours of the early morning, turning and tossing in my suddenly uncomfortable bed, victim of my semi-conscious racing mind, and partly because staying up late with people when I need to wake up earlier than them in the morning to get work done is not necessarily a smart idea.
I went out on Friday night with a group of friends (yes, Tom and his new girlfriend included, but there was enough other people that our interaction remained limited) and had a lot of fun singing and dancing to bad covers of songs from the sixties (early seventies at best). One of my friends took a nice girl to dinner before joining us and arrived with the biggest high-schooler grin I've ever seen on his face, and I even found it cute rather than being annoyed at how all the single guys I know are now finding girlfriends.
My new shoes, though they required 3 pieces of bandage to prevent blisters, where absolutely excellent to dance and twist. For, yes, much twisting was performed. And as it seems very fashionable these days to talk about shoes on blogs, especially academic ones, here's a picture of my back-to-school and post-almost-break-up shoes. (I also got a post-almost-break-up haircut but it's not a success right now. Needs to grow a bit.)
On Saturday I was out again, this time with the Fabulous Feline, at a big party organized by some friends of us (including Tom yet again, I just don't know all that many different groups of people). I told some of them about our situation, but clearly the news haven't well propagated yet, as someone asked me how came we weren't living together by now. I grinned uncomfortably. "No, clearly not happening," I said just before changing the subject.
"I screwed up," the Feline told me as we were walking back to my place. "There was this girl who asked me how come I was at a party on campus if I had already graduated, and I answered I came here with my girlfriend. She wouldn't have walked away faster had I told her to fuck off!". Getting used to our new situation and finding ways to describe it is not altogether smooth. I try to use his name as much as possible when mentioning him, but it is not always possible. Saying "my ex-boyfriend" makes me feel like a liar... but what else could I say? "My almost-ex-boyfriend"? "My part-time boyfriend"? "The guy I've been dating for three years"? I try to stick with "my friend" whenever possible... or just to avoid the need to mention him.
So, yeah, busy week. "Did you do anything fun this week-end?" Tom asked before one of our seminars today. I turned towards him quizzically. "Apart from the party on Friday night, the party on Saturday night, and trying to catch up with sleep? No, didn't have much time, really," I replied. He laughed. "It was rather wild, I admit," he added. "I did have time to do some phoning for the campaign, though!" he was proud to add, knowing that I would approve.
I nevertheless found the time to IM a bit with Ben who is becoming more and more adorable under the lens of my newfound celibacy. It is rather nice, if hopeless, and I remember identifying quite some years ago my trend to develop romantic thought for remote, inaccessible boys when I am not actually that eager to throw myself into a new relationship. But with time comes improvement and this time the guy is single and appears to like me. Well, of course, he is also ten times as far as any of my previous remote semi-obsessions and this cannot be resolved before late 2010... can't have it all.
Comments
Firstly, I'm glad things are going easier for you.
Second, I am extremely envious of those shoes.
Thirdly, I don't think anything is going to clear that confusion apart from time. But it will get easier. It has to.
Finally ... maybe Ben will be good for you, then. Someone nice to talk to and flirt to without having to throw yourself into something new.
This is a lovely post :-D Makes me hope for you.
Amy > Those shoes are gorgeous. And it's not easy to find cute shoes with a relatively low heel! Each time I'm like ooooh, pretty shoes, they have a 3 or 4 inches heel, and I cannot walk on that all day long.
And I'm sure things will go better with time... but sometimes I wish I was there yet. It's true that I appreciate not having to involve myself with Ben; I'm clearly not ready for emotional involvement.