Blowing Fuses Left And Right
By Citronella on Monday, August 25 2008, 22:58 - Permalink
I am blowing fuses left and right.I guess it all started on Friday, when my kindness and involvement into the organization of a group barbecue left me pretty bitter. On one hand, things went well. It was, apparently, a huge success compared to previous instances of the same event (it was the first of this kind I was attending, so I could not tell), and Tom, who was in charge, was warmly congratulated by everybody. Plus, I had a mean time for most of it. But on the other hand, I found myself left all alone with the bags and coolers and food leftovers of about fifteen people when everybody hit the beach, all that because when Tom expressed the desire to go play beach volley, I found nothing better to do than tell him "sure, you've been working hard until now, go get some fun and whatever happens I'll stay here and be in charge until you come back". And then, little by little, everybody followed him, until I had to say to the last remaining couple that there was no way I was leaving the area unattended.
That felt utterly like being back to the day when I was a weird kid nobody wanted to play with and I often found myself let alone when I could hear the other kids play a game I had been excluded from. Back then I had a certain talent for invisibility – teachers forgot me countless times when leaving the school property for some outdoors activity, even though I was right there under their very eyes the whole time until they left.
Of course I know I set myself up for this uncomfortable position. And also I deeply dislike beach volley and wasn't about to display myself in a swimsuit to the eyes of these people who, nevertheless, are my colleagues. Plus, people showed concern at leaving me on my own and others (not aware of my fate) apologized later on, but still – they did not care enough that they did not leave me alone, right?
So I was upset, and not willing to show it too much and spoil the mood, so I just bottled it in. Together with the frustration of the inactivity linked to an eye dilation two days before (my eyes are fine though) and the terrible, inescapable feeling of loneliness that took hold of me the previous day after the (nice, professional, and entirely trustworthy) orthopedist told me my spine and pelvic floor issues were definitely unrelated and that I had to face that I now have no other choice than go for the dreadful injection I am scared of to the point of panic.
It should not come as a surprise, therefore, that I dramatically lost my temper and yelled painfully at Fabulous Simon yesterday, for not much of a reason at all. We had a terrible scene in which I could barely do anything else than sob hysterically and babble that I just wanted him to be nice to me, and of course once things calmed down and tears stopped running over my face, his kindness was nothing compared to what I would have gotten had I not been behaving in this highly unbecoming fashion. He did not reached out for me nearly as much as I wanted him to and I totally deserved it (partly for being a hysterical bitch, partly for having unrealistically high expectations).
The feeling of loneliness did not, as a consequence, recede very much at all today. I am to perform a little technical task to help one post-doc of Advisor I don't know much (even though he was a graduate student in the same lab and I have seen him around for ever) and meeting with him was perfectly ghastly – all I could think about was how much I wanted him to leave and how much I did not wanted to do the work.
And then I had an impromptu meeting with (of all people) Dr. Asymmetric who came across us as we were quietly lunching outside in the sun, merrily chatting about everything but work. I really like the project we are working on and expending into a second paper, but the thought of all the work to do still (not to forget the thought of having to keep on working with him) heavily curbed my enthusiasm and I must have appeared totally off. However, Dr. Asymmetric did state how much he enjoys working with me, saying that he just told Advisor how nice I am to work with and how well we complement each other, him with the crazy ideas and me with the meticulousness to go and lay it out nicely and properly. (I think that was a compliment, right?)
On other news, I have been in the US for three years tonight. I shall celebrate sometime this week (by baking muffins, I would say).
Comments
i sitll think you'd feel better if you occasionally clumped around in a sunny pair of yellow crocs.
while i'm here. michel de montaigne: yay or nay?
isn't it amazing how some random events bring us back to our childhood? and i notice, most of the times, those that are painful, linger. hang in there.
and thanks for dropping by my blog.
coffeesnob > Actually, I alternate between turquoise flats, yellow sandals and purple sneakers, so I do have happy colors on my feet! Just no holes.
Montaigne? Yay, I think. But please spare me La Boétie.
May > Oh no, the anti-spam ate your comment! Sorry about the delay.
I am often surprised by how things that, in my childhood, appeared to me just as "the way things were", turn out to feel more painful now, as if I had bottled it in back then for the cold winter (well, hot summer technically) days of adulthood.